It's a Mystery

Hello everyone out there in cyberland! Today I have a mystery to solve...

The confusion all began last night when I received the dreaded text/email combo. I know that when the two occur simultaneously, it's what's called an "audition notice," from one of the three casting websites used for almost all acting jobs in LA. The websites are (for those of you curious about starting your own west coast career) actorsaccess.com, lacasting.com, and nowcasting.com. All actors are required by their agent to create, pay for, and maintain a profile on all three sites. Agents submit their actor's profile for the various breakdowns that only agents receive. When one receives the text/email combo, it means that the website is letting you know you have an audition. These notifications can happen at anytime, and usually have a way of turning my world upside down. If I lived in LA, I would simply acknowledge the audition notice, knowing that I would need to take an hour off work or that my shopping trip would have to be cut short. Since I live in San Diego, a notice like this means that whatever plans I had made for the rest of the day, or following day are out the window and the entire day will be spent in traffic. It can be a little traumatizing at times.

Most of my auditions come from lacasting, as they host most of the commercial breakdowns. Since I haven't heard from my theatrical agent since we agreed to work together (months and months ago), commercials are pretty much it for me. Last night, however, I received an audition notice for the music video of major recording artist. Now don't get too excited for me. Although music videos can mean a lot of exposure, they pay terribly!!!! Not to mention the fact that there's no way I'm right for this job. The role is that of "the other woman" in a sordid love triangle. Not to say I could never play "the other woman," but the pop star who's boyfriend I'd be trying to steal is like twelve. Maybe they're going with a cougar theme, if so, I'm totally in ;).

The mystery lies in the fact that I have no clue who submitted me for this job. I don't think my commercial agent would have, as it's clearly not a commercial, however, it does have the name of my agency in the audition notice. This leads me to believe that it might be possible that the theatrical agent/head of the agency submitted me. I don't know if you recall, but about a month ago, I met with said agent in an attempt to woo her and make her want to sign me. This, of course, did not happen, although the meeting did go well. Did it go so well that she decided to go ahead and toss my name in the hat? If so, this would be one of the biggest things to have happened for me since I moved to the west coast two and a half years ago. How to find out who submitted me in a causal, non desperate, non-actory kinda way? I'm sure I could shoot my commercial agent an email inquiring as to who, but I've been bugging her a lot lately, and one never wants to be too high maintenance. I guess I'll just let it float for now and continue to wonder. All of you out there, please think good thoughts for me. Maybe I could ask the product of the day for help.

Neuroses

I've been mulling over the subject of exposing my neuroses for the past couple of days. A sort of "coming out," if you will. There are many layers to this onion, and many triggers as to why it's been on my mind. The most obvious reason has been distinct differences I've noticed about actors in NYC and actors in LA. It's all to do with the willingness to expose neuroses.

-Before I continue, I must disclaim this post by acknowledging that I'm speaking in broad generalities.-

I spent eight tumultuous years in New York City struggling to make a name for myself. I was an actress/singer/dancer/quilter/knitter/crocheter/hostess/coat check girl/flier distributer/hair dyer for monier... yup, I actually dyed my hair for money once! I would have done it again, but they didn't ask me... Along my journey, I met many other gypsies living the same kind of piece meal existence as myself. I'd often go to an audition not knowing a sole in the holding room and by the end of the audition, I had made myself a handful of new friends. Granted, they probably weren't gonna be life long friends but once the ice was broken, these men and women were all to happy to swap stories of woe, laugh and ease the tension. "How was the ice broken?" you my ask. Usually, someone would confess how nervous they were or how they'd forgotten to put on deodorant or they weren't sure what to wear and now they realize they've made a mistake etc. Everyone else would chime in with their own crippling obsession, we would laugh and were all fast friends, comfortable with the knowledge that we were all in the same boat. Of course this didn't happen every time and of course not everyone was eager to share their own neurosis or admit weakness, but more often than not, there was a palpable feeling of comradery, at least for me.

In LA, however, I sense a strange fear as I look around a quiet holding room. It feels as though there's a pervasive worry of being found out. What must be going through their heads? Is it anything like what's going through mine?.. "Do they know how old I really am?.. Can they see the huge zit I spent all morning covering up?.. Do they think I'm fat or are these jeans more flattering than I thought?.. Do they know I have nothing on my resume - that I don't really know what I'm doing - that I feel like a fraud?".. Most likely, the answer is, yes. It is after all the human condition to doubt one's self. Why then are they so afraid to say it? Okay, so I'll be brave, I'll break the ice with some kind of confession. Instead of responding with that, "its okay, your not alone,"- kind of comment, I'm met with either an awkward stare or worse, a dissertation on how to properly audition. There's a compulsive need to "have it all together." Why? I don't think its an attractive quality and I can't imagine that a casting director would find it attractive either.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying one should have verbal diarrhea, confessing every single passing worrying thought. I guess what I'm saying is there's a balance to be struck. There's nothing wrong with being confident. I do have a problem, however, with false confidence and withholding our powerful ability to relate with others. Its so simple and it takes away nothing from you, in fact it only makes you stronger. This is relevant not only in the acting world, but also in life. So, to my fellow actors and to my civilian friends out there (Morgan ;)), give it up! We're all in this together, so let's act like it!

Can someone give me a hand? It's really high up here on this soap box and I'd like to get down now please! Boy, ranting really did feel good though! My product of the day today is a mega phone. I figured if any of you had anything to rant about, this may help!!!

Tomorrow's Another Day

Today is Sunday. I'm spending my day today relaxing as hard as possible in preparation for my inevitably non relaxing day tomorrow. I have an audition tomorrow for yet another cell phone company. They're predicting rain, and my audition is conveniently timed at 5:45pm= rush hour in the pouring rain... Don't feel too sorry for me. I just bought a new audio book! Okay, my mother just bought me a new audio book. I'm listening to, "Middlesex," by Jeffrey Eugenides. It's a fascinating memoire about a transgendered person born in the 50's. He/she's one of the most famous and studied transgendered people ever. So far, so good. The best part about this book on tape, is that it's 21hrs long!!!! Okay, I know that sounds boring, but when you spend as much time in the car as I do, you need the company. I have to say that audio books are my best friends when I'm on the road. Sometimes music is too much and all you really want is the sound of another person's voice. I always loved being read to when I was little, maybe this is just an extension of that. The last audio book I listened to was "Shutter Island," by Dennis Lehane. It was awesome, especially on rainy days. Here's hoping this new one is as good. My product of the day today is the audio book "Shutter Island," by Dennis Lehane. I didn't see the movie, but this book is as frightening as it is confusing. The narration is brilliant. Not only does this narrator play each male character with differentiating precision, but he narrates the female voices with subtlety and class. A spoon full of humor helps the crazy go down in this psychological thriller that totally keeps you guessing. I seriously hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

Friday's Audition

Friday was crazy y'all! I went in to work early because I had an audition later that day and knew that my boss would appreciate any help I could give. Fridays are always the busiest days at the restaurant. I printed checks, returned phone calls, sent out confirmation forms etc. Everything was going well until I realized I needed a signature from my boss before I could leave for the day. My boss was running late and I wasn't able to leave til 11:30!!! My audition was at 1:42pm! Sometimes that's totally doable, but again, it was Friday. I don't know if you've ever experienced LA on a Friday but let's just say, every hour is rush hour. Needless to say I was late late late.

I finally rolled up at 2:30 and parked in the first spot I could find. I think I squished a recycling bin. I don't know about you but I absolutely hate being late. My unrelenting NYC training taught me, "if you're on time, you're late." I remember literally sprinting from the subway, leaping over puddles, and pushing over little old ladies, just to make it to class on time. As predicted, the teacher would be standing there holding the door knob intently counting down with the watch on his wrist. He was ready, even eager to slam that door shut, denying us access and as a result dropping our grade an entire letter. Them's the breaks people. You can imagine the difficulty I've had adjusting to this California lifestyle. Nobody even notices whether you're late or not. Of course, it was just my luck that, this one time, someone did. Unfortunately, the casting assistant had called my agent to find out where I was. Fortunately, I had called my agent to let them know I was running late, but still, not good!

I rushed in the door, quickly signed in only to be informed by the assistant that I was "on deck." I had just spent 3hrs in my car and was dying to pee!! What to do? To pee or not to pee, that was the question. I decided not. The casting folk were already pissed at me (pun intended) and I didn't want to risk making matters worse. Its amazing what you tell yourself when the stakes are high. "This will give my performance urgency!" I said to myself, halfheartedly. Fortunately, the audition did not last long. As with most commercial auditions, I was in and out within five minutes. I high-tailed it to the nearest bathroom, did my thing and I was back on my way. The drive home took me about 3 1/2hrs! Ooofff! I was very glad to get home. Some days I crack open my front door and literally feel like kissing my couch.

My product of the day is self explanatory. Nuff said.

Bliss Part Deux

Sorry to keep you all waiting so long. I think I've absorbed my experience on Sunday enough now to effectively blog about it.

In case you haven't yet read my previous post, on Sunday, I shot a short film called, "Bliss." The purpose of this short film was to have something for the creative team to pitch to potential investors. If investors are impressed, they will then fund a full feature length version (by feature length, I mean 90min-type movie). If there is funding for a feature length, it normally means there will be money to pay actors and so forth.

As I suspected it would be, the experience was wonderful. Much of the script was meant to be filled out and embellished by the actors. When a writer/director is willing to relinquish that much control, it displays a great deal of trust. As an actress, I have such gratitude for any writer who believes in me that much. It gives me the confidence to do my best work.

The majority of the shoot took place around a dinner table. It was an unscripted scene where all the actors ate, drank and chatted completely in character. This is what I live for!!!!! Remember when you were a kid and you could spend an entire afternoon pretending to be someone else. Remember how free you felt, well that's how this felt for me. It was so amazing to look around the table and know that we were all in on it. No matter what was coming out of our mouths, positive or negative, there was the underlying joy of playtime. I highly recommend it. My hubby and I have been struggling for so long, I almost forgot I knew how. After years of doing exactly what some employer, director, government told me to do, there I was creating, playing, improvising and breaking rules. Hallelujah!!!! It felt so good.

I know I said we were all in on it, that's not entirely true. There were some extras (friends of the director who wanted to be in the background of the film) who had no idea what we were doing. They were clearly so confused that, eventually, we had to break out of character and explain. It was kind of hilarious to see the looks on their faces... Mean but hilarious.

I'm back to the "real world" tomorrow. Heading back up to LA for an audition for a cell phone provider. Think good thoughts, pray, chant, what ever it is you do, do that for me tomorrow. I could really use a good pay check friends. Couldn't we all!

My product of the day today is my favorite game. Along the lines of playing, I thought it appropriate to recommend a way of doing just that. The rules of this game are simple yet, depending on who you play with, can be very complex!!!! Everyone I've ever met, who knows this game, loves it!!! Check it out.

Bliss

Ever notice how the minute you figure out exactly what you want, enough to be able to verbalize it, the universe provides?

I thought all I wanted was to work as much as possible as an actress. This could make me happy. To stay busy. Simple. However, I've been doing just that lately, staying busy. I've been shooting mainly commercials, and industrials, working all the time. Why is it then, that I've been completely depressed, unsatisfied, empty. I've given the topic a lot of thought in the past few weeks and I came to the conclusion that I must refine my specifications. No longer is it enough to just "work," I've been there and done that now. I sat down with my husband and hashed it out, out loud this time. I wrote it down to solidify my requirements.

-I, not only want to work, I want to create. I want to be a part of a collaboration of which I can be proud. I want to belong to a family of peers that I respect and that respect me. I want to feel comfortable when I go to work, and not like a piece of set dressing. I would like to actually get to know the crew with whom I'm working. I hate doing commercials! Hum, what else? I want to do work that I can actually put on my resume. So on and so forth...

Amazingly enough, the week after I made these realizations and put them out into the universe, I got cast in a short film that granted all my wishes. The title of the film is "Bliss." I had a rehearsal last night and the title of the film, coincidentally, describes the feeling I had. I'm so happy to report that although we only shoot for one day, this is exactly the kind of project I was hoping for and would like to spend the rest of my career doing. I'm shooting tonight, and then it will be over, for now anyway. I just think that the timing is incredible. Sometimes things just come to you when you need them. Thanks world, I really needed this.

Since I'm talking about the universe today, I figured I would help you all navigate it. I bought my gps about a year and a half ago and I highly recommend it to anyone out there looking to pursue a career in LA. I would be seriously lost without it. LA is a big scary place and sometimes mapquest just isn't enough. It's nice to be able to ask your gps for directions to the nearest coffee shop, parking garage, or gas station. I would not try to do the whole LA thing without it!

The Meeting of the Minds

Yesterday's meeting went well... That's all I can really say about it. Nothing concrete. As I predicted yesterday, it fell slap bang in the middle (a position that's uncomfortably comfortable for me). I met with my commercial agent, as I knew I would and then, after much waiting around, the head honcho was ready to see me. She opened the meeting by pinching the bridge of her nose and sighing. She then peered over the top of her bifocal lenses and asked me, "do you ever have those days where absolutely everything and everyone irritates the hell out of you?" Not a good sign y'all! I nervously joked that I felt like that every other day, hormones ya know. She actually laughed and by a few mins in, I had her happily chatting away. Phew! It was clear to me, right away, that today was not the day to ask for anything. Instead, I decided, today I would make her love me. I think it worked. Time will tell. I keep trying to remember to just be myself and continue to put good vibes out there. Hopefully the good karma will come on back my way. Needless to say, there were no offers made on her part and no demands on mine. We just had a nice conversation. I hopped in my car and drove on home.

During my ride home, I thought about my product of the day. Although I do enjoy making silly jokes via awkward product placement, I do think I should be a responsible blogger. Its not just about making money. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to be in it for the money, but so far, nahda, so I may as well pimp things I actually believe in. So I asked myself, what was the best book I ever read about acting/auditioning? That's not a difficult question to answer. By far and away, the best book I've ever read about acting is Audition by Michael Shurtleff. Even though its slightly dated, good advise is timeless. In fact, I should probably re-read it. To any young actor out there who needs to be brought back down to earth, this is the read for you.

So that's it for now my friends. I have a rehearsal and a shoot lined up for this weekend. The best part about that is, I'll be able to update my resume for the first time in about a year!!!! Oh happy day!