Neuroses

I've been mulling over the subject of exposing my neuroses for the past couple of days. A sort of "coming out," if you will. There are many layers to this onion, and many triggers as to why it's been on my mind. The most obvious reason has been distinct differences I've noticed about actors in NYC and actors in LA. It's all to do with the willingness to expose neuroses.

-Before I continue, I must disclaim this post by acknowledging that I'm speaking in broad generalities.-

I spent eight tumultuous years in New York City struggling to make a name for myself. I was an actress/singer/dancer/quilter/knitter/crocheter/hostess/coat check girl/flier distributer/hair dyer for monier... yup, I actually dyed my hair for money once! I would have done it again, but they didn't ask me... Along my journey, I met many other gypsies living the same kind of piece meal existence as myself. I'd often go to an audition not knowing a sole in the holding room and by the end of the audition, I had made myself a handful of new friends. Granted, they probably weren't gonna be life long friends but once the ice was broken, these men and women were all to happy to swap stories of woe, laugh and ease the tension. "How was the ice broken?" you my ask. Usually, someone would confess how nervous they were or how they'd forgotten to put on deodorant or they weren't sure what to wear and now they realize they've made a mistake etc. Everyone else would chime in with their own crippling obsession, we would laugh and were all fast friends, comfortable with the knowledge that we were all in the same boat. Of course this didn't happen every time and of course not everyone was eager to share their own neurosis or admit weakness, but more often than not, there was a palpable feeling of comradery, at least for me.

In LA, however, I sense a strange fear as I look around a quiet holding room. It feels as though there's a pervasive worry of being found out. What must be going through their heads? Is it anything like what's going through mine?.. "Do they know how old I really am?.. Can they see the huge zit I spent all morning covering up?.. Do they think I'm fat or are these jeans more flattering than I thought?.. Do they know I have nothing on my resume - that I don't really know what I'm doing - that I feel like a fraud?".. Most likely, the answer is, yes. It is after all the human condition to doubt one's self. Why then are they so afraid to say it? Okay, so I'll be brave, I'll break the ice with some kind of confession. Instead of responding with that, "its okay, your not alone,"- kind of comment, I'm met with either an awkward stare or worse, a dissertation on how to properly audition. There's a compulsive need to "have it all together." Why? I don't think its an attractive quality and I can't imagine that a casting director would find it attractive either.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying one should have verbal diarrhea, confessing every single passing worrying thought. I guess what I'm saying is there's a balance to be struck. There's nothing wrong with being confident. I do have a problem, however, with false confidence and withholding our powerful ability to relate with others. Its so simple and it takes away nothing from you, in fact it only makes you stronger. This is relevant not only in the acting world, but also in life. So, to my fellow actors and to my civilian friends out there (Morgan ;)), give it up! We're all in this together, so let's act like it!

Can someone give me a hand? It's really high up here on this soap box and I'd like to get down now please! Boy, ranting really did feel good though! My product of the day today is a mega phone. I figured if any of you had anything to rant about, this may help!!!

Tomorrow's Another Day

Today is Sunday. I'm spending my day today relaxing as hard as possible in preparation for my inevitably non relaxing day tomorrow. I have an audition tomorrow for yet another cell phone company. They're predicting rain, and my audition is conveniently timed at 5:45pm= rush hour in the pouring rain... Don't feel too sorry for me. I just bought a new audio book! Okay, my mother just bought me a new audio book. I'm listening to, "Middlesex," by Jeffrey Eugenides. It's a fascinating memoire about a transgendered person born in the 50's. He/she's one of the most famous and studied transgendered people ever. So far, so good. The best part about this book on tape, is that it's 21hrs long!!!! Okay, I know that sounds boring, but when you spend as much time in the car as I do, you need the company. I have to say that audio books are my best friends when I'm on the road. Sometimes music is too much and all you really want is the sound of another person's voice. I always loved being read to when I was little, maybe this is just an extension of that. The last audio book I listened to was "Shutter Island," by Dennis Lehane. It was awesome, especially on rainy days. Here's hoping this new one is as good. My product of the day today is the audio book "Shutter Island," by Dennis Lehane. I didn't see the movie, but this book is as frightening as it is confusing. The narration is brilliant. Not only does this narrator play each male character with differentiating precision, but he narrates the female voices with subtlety and class. A spoon full of humor helps the crazy go down in this psychological thriller that totally keeps you guessing. I seriously hope you enjoy this as much as I did.